While researching day trips, I stumble across a website listing all of the towns in Texas. As I started reading the list, I laughed and told Steve, “There has to be a story in here.” So, here it is! Everything underlined below is the name of a town in Texas, or at least it was at one time. If you don’t believe me, check out Texas Escapes.
A blog Post by Laura Mahoney
Uncertain of her Fate, Mary stood with her arms around Granny’s Neck, Salty tears streamed down her face. While Granny was Happy to Comfort her, she had Little Hope Mary would not end up in Exile. Mary released her grasp and sat down next to the Running Water of Devil’s River, a Big Stinking Creek. A Big Lump rose in her throat as she sat to Ponder the Odds of her Birthright as the Diddy Wa Diddy of Toadsuck would earn her any Goodwill. Granny was the only person in her family who understood what she had done was as natural as breathing Air or putting Gasoline in a Mercedes. To her dad, what she had done was worse than drinking Java from a Teacup. Her bothers, Mutt And Jeff, were squarely in Dad’s Corner. There wasn’t much Time to set the Record straight. With Dad being the Admiral of Zipperlandville, he had Ample time to Call Ranger Squeezepenny Who’d Thought It would be Best if Mary lost her Liberty. Squeezepenny was on the Cheapside and wouldn’t be swayed with the Dime Box that Fairy Kickapoo had given her. He had no sense of Fair Play and was, just in general, a Fink.
“Stop Weeping Mary, I have a couple ideas how to get you out of this mess,” said Granny, “I want you to get pen and paper so you can Jot ‘Em Down.”
“Granny, that Round Rock you are sitting on looks terribly uncomfortable. Don’t you think we should Retreat to the Alligator School House and sit on the Couch with a Blanket?”
“We don’t have time to go to the Boys Ranch if you want to keep your freedom.”
Granny was Midway through her sentence when the Bishop from Martha’s Chapel galloped out of the Green Meadow. He rode atop a Grey Mule and his Silver hair shone like a Gem in the Rising Sun.
“Mary!” he hailed. “I’ve just come from The Woodlands. Fairy Kickapoo told me of your troubles. I wanted to be a Good Neighbor and offer a Blessing from Saint Hedwig. And, as a Bonus, I’ve asked Saint Jo to ring the Bells at Fort Godbehere.”
“Welcome, Bishop Ysteta. Thank you for your concern for my Welfare. How are things in the Woods?”
“Ah, I’m afraid the woods have turned into a Shadowland. Commerce has slowed down and there is no pot of Gold at the end of the Rainbow. Mercury, Pluto and Mars have fallen out of the Zodiac like a Comet and folks have lost their sense of Security.”
“Isn’t a Mercury a Sedan not a Star?” asked Mary.
“Actually, it’s a planet discovered by the Gent on Science Hill. You are thinking of Saturn, which used to be a Car made in Detroit.”
Granny cleared her throat and said Point Blank, “If I could have a Word, Bishop Ysteta, we can Circle Back to your troubles in a moment. Right now, Mary has a few things she needs to do before Sundown! After which, I will be Content to Converse with you over a bowl of Oatmeal, if you brought a Raisin.”
“You are quite right, it won’t be long until Sunset. As I see it, there are Four Points Mary needs to make to keep her Freer than Shacklefoot.”
“Three points,” interrupted Mary.
“Okay, it’s your Choice, but you can’t make a Circle if you Zigzag all over the place.”
Just then an Easterly breeze crossed the Trio as a Canadian Crow flew to a nearby Arbor. It was like something out of Dreamland, it had a Bigfoot and a Baby Head. It looked more like a Turkey. It didn’t even look like it could Fly. As it started to squawk, a Chickenfeather fell from its beak. Granny turned Lily White and cried “Eureka! Now I know the Link between Frog and Frognot.”
Mary and the Bishop wondered if the entire Universe had gone Plum Looneyville. “Why the White Face Granny,” they cried in unison.
“I know how to get you a New Deal and that Nimrod Squeezepenny won’t be able to get a Nickel from your Old Dime Box! Gather around and I’ll tell you the Ideal plan,” said Granny with a Wink. It only took her Nine minutes to lay out the details. If things didn’t work out, they would have to Cut and Shoot their way back to Utopia.
The first part of the plan hinged on being able to get some Coldwater from the Artesia Wells and the Wizard Wells for a Bath. This would not be an easy task. The wells were at the back of a Cactus filled Canyon, just past the Burning Bush. The Stagecoach only ran as far as Electric City, so the three of them piled into a Van for the remainder of the journey, stopping once at the Oasis Gas Station. They were nearing Bug Tussle when Granny saw the Big Lake created by the Beaver Dam. Luckily, Hinkle’s Ferry was on the far side of the lake, so the Guy piloting it did not have a View of them.
“The canyon should be just around the next Bend,” Mary said. The only container they had to Draw the water was a Leaky bucket Granny had taken from Skellytown.
“We Needmore water or it’s going to look like we came from Mudville,” said the Bishop.
“Well, that’d be a Damsite better than Cementville, if you ask me!” replied Granny.
Thinking quickly, Mary grabbed some Clay and used a Sharp Stick to plug the hole in the bucket. Now I won’t lose another Drop she thought. After cleaning up, everyone put on a Crisp pair of Knickerbocker(s), anxious for the next part of the plan – the disguise!
Granny sat Mary in the Center of Ransom Canyon and wished she could have gone to Paul’s Store or Twin Groceries to get supplies, but keeping the Cost down is the number one Rule when you are on the Run. The Key is being able to Roundup whatever you need.
“We’ll just have to make do Mary. First, we are going to Dye your Golden hair Black, then we’ll use a little Carbon to add a Dimple to your chin. Bishop, hand me those Scissors, I need to Cutoff the Dull Swastika on her shirtsleeve. It’s nothing but Scrap anyhow.”
Granny beamed with Pride as she thought about her days in the Orphan’s Home. Who would have known all those Art classes would come in handy. Now, you couldn’t tell if Mary was a Pearl or a Pebble. Just a bit of Cologne and they would be ready for phase three. They Heard the Boom of the Cannon before they saw the Gunsight, but Mary had Grit and wasn’t about to let the Hunter find her.
“Run child, you know what to do now,” hollered the Bishop as the Impact of the cannonball sent Deadwood flying around them. It was looking like Gun Barrel City as Mary reached the Junction of Moonshine Hill and the Medicine Mound. As she turned West, she saw a Mustang standing on the Lawn of Chapman Ranch, almost as if it was waiting for her. Not wanting to look a gift horse in the mouth, she swung her leg over his back and began to gallop. She was beginning to have Hope. As the Pony began to tire, she decided they should stop and rest awhile near Cat Spring. Perhaps she could catch some Catfish for dinner and she could really use some Coffee or a Coke. She dismounted when she found an area with some Seclusion. She didn’t want the Hunt to be over just yet. Exhausted, she had almost let the sound of the Dripping Springs Lull her to sleep. When she heard a Click in the distance she was instantly alert. Mary yelled Geronimo and threw herself into The Ditch. Keeping her head low, Mary was able to see through the Groves of Cedar trees. It turned out to be Joe Lee from Fort Spunky.
“Mary,” he whispered. “Mary, are you here? Bishop Ysleta send me! He said the password was Ding Dong. We have to hurry, Mary, Ranger Squeezepenny is Hot on your trail!”
Mary rose from her hiding spot and came face to face with Joe Lee. He was a handsome young man, but a bit of a Lone Wolf. Mary was leery of accepting his help, but sundown was only hours away. Without him, she’d never make it across Iron Bridge and would be captured before Dawn.
“Captain Crawford told me to assist you any way I can. I’m ready to be your Shield, Ma’am, your Humble servant. The Captain told me there were others indebted to you but they will remain Nameless.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary, but, you are right, we should ride.”
Joe Lee was not a Novice horseman and the miles flew by. Finally, they reached Newcastle, alit in all its Glory.
As Mary walked across the drawbridge, Prince Onalaska ran to meet her. “Be Careful my dear, the moat is full of Quicksand. How did your family take it when you told them I asked you to be my Valentine?”
Since the Pickens were slim around here, Mary knew she had to get her Hooks in him before the last Sunray crossed the Earth. “Father was beside himself! He sent Ranger Squeezepenny to Pflugerville to find me. They want to exile me! But, my Loving Granny has a plan. She said if I make you my Groom and we decorate a Nursery, they will have to let us live happily ever after.”
Since Prince Onalaska liked living on the Edge, Mary was just his Type. “We will be Trueloves forever,” he proclaimed.
“I will Telephone the Temple and Tell them the good news,” Mary promised.
“And I will send a Telegraph to your father, at once.”
It was a lovely spring wedding up on Flower Hill. Everyone was in attendance and as the happy couple rode off into the sunset, the last thing anyone heard was Goodnight.
Have you ever visited any of these places? What is the strangest town name you know of?